hello, nadine

At the request of someone named Nadine, and to more succinctly tell the story of my adult life to date, I'm posting my class notes here for the perusal of the web-browsing populace at large. You're welcome.

After graduating in '02, I moved to Cambodia, tending bar at a bookstore, drawing a comic book about HIV/AIDS, and drawing a scathing comic strip about the expatriate community. Fifteen months later, I returned to New York, working for Cook+Fox Architects in their marketing department. Fifteen months later again, I applied and was accepted to this ridiculous school/advertising agency/experiment thing at Wieden+Kennedy in Portland, Oregon. Fifteen months later still, I moved to Los Angeles to work at 72andSunny as a studio artist. I've been here four months, which means I've got eleven months left if I am to perpetuate my destiny of not living anywhere for longer than fifteen months at a stretch. I'm thinking Minneapolis.

this isn't actually technically alright with me

It's supposed to get to 99 degrees today.

It's 84 degrees right now, and it's only 10 am.

Help.

coffee crushes and why not to indulge in them

Because sometimes the barista (baristo? barrister?) is twenty.

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHHHAHAHAAAA--

Crap.

a nobel goal

Sometimes, I like to write shit that will teach you a thing or eight. You're welcome.

From Alfred Nobel's last will and testament:

"The whole of my remaining realizable estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind. The said interest shall be divided into five equal parts, which shall be apportioned as follows: one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery or invention within the field of physics; one part to the person who shall have made the most important chemical discovery or improvement; one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery within the domain of physiology or medicine; one part to the person who shall have produced in the field of literature the most outstanding work in an ideal direction; and one part to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses. The prizes for physics and chemistry shall be awarded by the Swedish Academy of Sciences; that for physiology or medical works by the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm; that for literature by the Academy in Stockholm, and that for champions of peace by a committee of five persons to be elected by the Norwegian Storting. It is my express wish that in awarding the prizes no consideration be given to the nationality of the candidates, but that the most worthy shall receive the prize, whether he be Scandinavian or not."

The prize: 10,000,000 Swedish Kronor, which is about 1,350,000 USD.

Makes you want to go out and do something to further the aims of world peace or something, don't it? Or, you know. Physics.

translate a song

Sometimes, I like to publish extra-long, boring things. Keeps you on your toes. You're welcome.

In English, according to Babelfish:

"Je Suis Venu te Dire que Je M'en Vais,"
Serge Gainsbourg

I came you dir' that I from go away
and your tears will be able there nothing to change
comm' says Verlaine so well "to the bad wind"
I came you dir' that I from go away

you remember the old days and you cry
you suffocate, you blémis now that sounded the hour

of the good-byes forever
yes I regret of you dir'
that I from go away yes I liked you, yes, but

I came you dir' that I from go away
your long sobs will not be able there nothing to change
comm' says Verlaine so well "to the bad wind"
I came from you dir' but I

nu te dir' que je m' en vais
et tes larmes n' y pourront rien changer
comm' dit si bien Verlaine "au vent mauvais"
je suis venu te dir' que je m' en vais

tu t' souviens des jours anciens et tu pleures
tu suffoques, tu blémis à présent qu' a sonné l' heure des adieux à jamais
oui je suis au regret d' te dir' que je m' en vais
oui je t' aimais, oui, mais-

je suis venu te dir' que je m' en vais
tes sanglots longs n' y pourront rien changer
comm' dit si bien Verlaine "au vent mauvais"
je suis venu d' te dir' que je m' en vais

tu t' souviens des jours heureux et tu pleures
tu sanglotes, tu gémis à présent qu' a sonné
the hour of the good-byes forever
yes I regret of you dir' that I from go away
because you me too much made of it

I came you dir' that I from go away
and your tears will be able there nothing to change
comm' says Verlaine so well "to the bad wind"

you remember the old days and you cry
you suffocate, you blémis now that sounded the hour of the good-byes forever
yes I regret of you dir' that I from go away
yes I liked you, yes,
but I came you dir' that I from go away

your long sobs will not be able
there nothing to change comm' says if es adieux à jamais
oui je suis au regret d' te dir' que je m' en vais
car tu m' en as trop fait-

je suis venu te dir' que je m' en vais et tes larmes n' y pourront rien changer comm' dit si bien Verlaine "au vent mauvais" tu t' souviens des jours anciens et tu pleures tu suffoques, tu blémis à présent qu' a sonné l' heure des adieux à jamais oui je suis au regret d' te dir' que je m' en vais oui je t' aimais, oui, mais- je suis venu te dir' que je m' en vais tes sanglots longs n' y pourront rien changer comm' dit si bien Verlaine "au vent mauvais" je suis venu d' te dir' que je m' en vais tu t' souviens des jours happy and you cry you sanglotes, you groaned now that the hour of the good-byes forever yes I regret of you dir' sounded that I from go away because you too much did me

- - - - - - -

OK NOW GO AND DO TO A SONG.
You can translate a English song out of English, if you like.

beer and ketchup

My fries today came with little packets of Hunt's Ketchup. Hunt's!

I remember when I moved to New York for the second time, and I was unemployed, or underemployed, or sometimes employed, and I was price-shopping for everything. And I had a bottle of Hunt's Ketchup in my barely-stocked fridge. I had just started dating this chap from Pittsburgh, whom you may or may not know, and Pittsburgh, which you may or may not know, is the home of the Heinz Empire. He was mortally offended that I would even think to buy Hunt's, though to his credit he tried not to show it. Ahh, brand loyalty.

Same reason I like, buy, and drink Fat Tire Beer whenever I get the chance. It has little to do with the taste of the beer, though I find the taste to be quite fine. It's about their tagline: "Follow your folly. We followed ours." Yes, okay. I would like to support a business that is all about following its folly.

DON'T SAY IT, CAROLINE: The other reason I like, buy, and drink Fat Tire Beer is because Fat Tire Beer, like many beers, has an alcohol content. But that's neither here nor there.

the love calculator

Dave Susman. Katie O'Shea. And the Love Calculator Wars. This battle took place over AOL Instant Messenger.

OK GO.

michael jackson loves michael jackson 22 %
mischa barton loves fred savage 93 %
jessica simpson loves lance bass 15 %
jake gyllenhaal loves lance bass 82 %
jonbenet ramsay loves david alan grier 26 %
columbia lions loves barnard bears 97 %
johnny appleseed loves johnny tremain 48 %
jennifer aniston loves gennifer flowers 75 %
missy elliot loves elliot smith 65 %
django reinhart loves oingo boingo 85 %
ellen degeneres loves ellen barkin 72 %
rue mclanahan loves bea arthur 36 %
buddy holly loves buddy lee 87 %
pamela anderson loves loni anderson 22 %
chad lowe loves hilary swank 65 %
rob lowe loves hilary swank 96 %
rob lowe loves robert downey, jr. 17 %
robert sean leonard loves robert downey, jr. 0 %
robert sean leonard loves robin williams 65 %
robert sean leonard loves matt damon 88 %
matt damon loves matt damon 62 %
michelle pfeiffer loves michelle pfeiffer's husband, who lost a toe 0 %
calista flockhart loves rice cakes 79 %
peanut butter loves rice cakes 54 %
peanut butter on celery loves raisins 62 %
cheese loves toast 73 %
smarterchild loves austin powers 71 %
jordan powers loves austin powers 45 %
pfeifferchild loves smarterchild 61 %
martha stewart loves donald trump 55 %
dave susman loves orinda 79%
katie o'shea loves hillsborough 86%
brian o'shea loves hillsboro 41%
hillsboro loves hillsborough 13%
beaverton loves gresham 15%
culver city loves the san fernando valley 41%
Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) loves walking 24 %
skipping loves walking 11 %
mary-kate olsen loves ashley olsen 71 %
jessica simpson loves ashlee simpson 62 %
taliajane22 loves teven12345 83 %
la brea tar pits loves barnard bears 38 %
la brea tar pits loves barnard's armpits 41 %
janice toben loves lotion 42%
la brea tar pits loves brad pits 41 %
professor priscilla parkhurst ferguson loves ill-fitting tights 11 %
the swiss loves swiss army knives 87 %
ill-fitting tights loves people who love them18 %
the french loves the bench 53 %
the french loves jonbenet ramsay 85 %
the pope loves jonbenet ramsay 27 %
the pope loves the king 71 %
prince loves the king 26 %
prince loves madonna 44 %
madonna loves cher 44 %
sonny loves cher 45 %
the captain loves tenille 59 %
the beach boys loves the kinks 73 %
the beatles loves the kinks 16 %

whoa whoa whoa whoa

Now, the triangles were one thing, but this is absurd.





And then:





The fucked-up thing is, I don't even wear glasses.

the two adjustable triangle dream

Came true. I actually do own two small (travel-sized?) adjustable triangles.

So that I can measure things on the fly. Twice.

who the hell is that?

Well, what do you know.



It's the White Rabbit.

The things you find when you move, man. I gotta move less often so this shit stays buried.

what is the paper advantage?

Hey look, it's a paper bag.





Copy written in awkward and then translated to the English.





It's a paper bag born-on date. Like for beer ... but less relevant.




The bag originally held a carne asada burrito and a Jarritos Lime. Now, of course, it will have alternate uses in the home.

15 x 4

It has come to my attention that the amount of time I spend in any given city lately has a shelf-life. And that shelf-life is 15 months.

_ I graduated from college in 15 months. This is a lie.
_ I moved to Cambodia to spend some time with my sister, draw some comics, tend some bar, and help open an orphanage for street kids in our small beach town. I was supposed to stay three months. I stayed one year beyond that, or 15 months. (This stuff takes a while.)
_ I moved back to New York, temped/freelanced for three months. Then I got a job in architecture again, and I worked there for a year, almost to the day. 15 months.
_ I moved to Portland to attend this brilliant advertising program. I cut it really close to the wire getting here, spent 13 months in school, took May off, worked my ass off in June to get a job, and was hired to start in the middle of July, in Los Angeles. 15 months.

So wherever I wind up next, WHICH MIGHT BE PORTLAND AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKERS, you can expect it to take place in October of 2007. I just thought you all should know.

Love,
Katie

**** UPDATE! ****

I didn't move in October, 2007. So I'm thinking I may have just skipped a cycle. January '09, then. As I wrote to my college newsletter's Class Notes, I'm thinking Minneapolis.

i passed

In other news, the school that just graduated me sent me a piece of paper in the mail marked "Transcript." My hands shook as I opened the envelope. I fucked it up and had to cut the damned thing open with scissors.

But we didn't have classes. We made the work, our creative director approved it (sometimes), the client approved it (sometimes), and then it ran. Go back to step one at any time in the process. So I was really quite curious as to what this "transcript" would even say. Increase in market share? ROI? What?

Nope.













I passed. Yaaaaaaay!

dream interpretation is for jerks

I still have my adjustable triangle from college. We were required to buy one. The other night, I dreamt not that I had one adjustable triangle but two. Two, identical, smallish (travel-sized? for drafting on the go?) adjustable triangles.



What could this mean?

[ ] I'm too measured in my daily life. I'm taking too few risks, being too guarded. Measuring three times times but never cutting.

[ ] I'm trying to use two small tools to do a job better accomplished with one big tool. I invite you to interpret that as sexual innuendo.

[ ] I'm spending my time measuring the little stuff (twice!) while bigger issues go unexamined.

[ ] I'm careless with my inventory. How did I come to have two of the exact same tool?

[ ] I need to pay all those bills stacked up behind the triangles.

Yes yes yes. That last one. I think that's it.

BABY PLEASE JUST LIFT THE DAMN RESTRAINING ORDER!!!

best of craigslist > portland > BABY PLEASE JUST LIFT THE DAMN RESTRAINING ORDER!!!
Originally Posted: Thu, 6 Apr 15:17 PDT


Holly, I swear I didn't mean to hurt you, but you can be such a raving bitch sometimes! If I knew she worked with you I wouldnt' have banged her. I used protection. She means nothing to me. I jus twant to come back home. At least let me get my stuff. There was no reason to LIE to the cops. You know I wasn't peeping... I was trying to break in to MY apartment. just because i am not on the lease doesn't mean its not my home. I promise, no more you know what if you let me come back! I'll still talk nasty. Feed my fish, please.

Harry S.

* this is in or around PDX
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

things i can’t stop doing

Listening to Feist
Singing Mushaboom (by Feist)
Reading Best Of Craig's List
Eating sandwiches -- this is an ongoing problem
Being cold
Heroin
Just kidding
Spending too much money at FedEx/Kinko's
Contemplating the sheer punctuational horror that is FedEx/Kinko's
Fucking up my application/portfolio books in various ways ... mostly while at FedEx/Kinko's
Vacillating on the Los Angeles issue -- I was raised to hate the place -- even as I send applications there ... mostly from FedEx/Kinko's
Accidentally writing "FedEx/Kinki's." Heh.
Being 9 years old at heart.
Messing with that thing on my face

a job to kill for

Have you seen "Single White Female"?
Do you work in the advertising industry?

Do you just love love love Sean Young?

Turn on Lifetime. Right now!

"A Job to Kill For." An Account Planner moves in on a small agency on the Best Coast and revitalizes their accounts. Works harder than anyone. Pushes the work farther, and makes a lot of enemies. And then kills them. All to show the General Manager that she'll do whatever it takes to get and keep multi-million-dollar clients. BECAUSE ADVERTISING IS REALLY IMPORTANT. Starring Sean Young as the General Manager and a Helen Hunt lookalike as the psycho chick. Well. They're both psycho. But now I've said too much.

Oh, also, I saw "Over the Hedge" this afternoon. It was brilliant. My favorite character is "Hammy." But then you knew that.

union street market: an analysis

When I first moved here just over a year ago, I used to go to the Union Street Market pretty much every day. It satisfied my need for dishwater coffee the way that only a certain kind of bodega can, and I missed that certain kind of bodega from New York, where I would veritably trip over them.

The older Chinese man who worked mornings seemed to be on the way into or out of a rough time with a customer, every time I came in. which meant he'd see me, and he was thrilled. I didn't ask to use the bathroom to shoot up/have sex with/kill anything, I didn't ask for shit they obviously didn't carry, I didn't count my change six times and then claim he'd shorted me. I didn't even knit my brow. He gave me bad coffee. I gave him sixty cents. We bid each other adieu. Ours was an uncomplicated relationship.

So I go in yesterday in search of butter and milk, and okay cheese while I'm there, and my 60-year-old Chinese man isn't there. Instead, there's a 45-year-old Korean woman and her husband, and they're working the crowd. Using their three words of Spanish to charm the Mexican dude in front of me, joking about my all-dairy diet, carding the 50-year-old woman behind me for cigarettes to make her laugh. And I felt a little sad.

I'm no longer anyone's favorite customer. Their clientele very well might be just as hard to deal with as a year ago, but the owners have hired people better equipped to deal with the diversity (and by "diversity" I mean "different kinds of crazy") of the neighborhood, and subsequently, my willingness to put what I want on a counter and pay for it is no longer a virtue.

Though it must be said, it's not like I didn't get hell for all that dairy. So maybe I'll be okay after all.